The 13 Guys You’ll Meet on a Dating App

Daz, 37

I’m a marriage-minded individual. That means I believe in marriage. I believe so strongly in everlasting marriage that I’ve added this photoshopped image of my disembodied head surrounded by interlocked wedding rings; the word “marriage” in a fancy, romantic font; a glass of red wine; a bottle of red wine; a piece of sheet music (the “Wedding March”); and a random piece of red fabric tossed ever so seductively, to represent your panties. When I’m not thinking about marrying you, I’m out here trying to save these kids from the Streets. On my bucket list: Getting Married.

E, 34

Females want you to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get a text back. That’s the wrong move to make with me because I’m not auditioning for shit. DON’T play with me. If you like wing flats, watching Power, and lowkey being threatened, get at me.

Marcus, 41

I’m just out here living life and loving life. And loving the life I’m living. Looking for that special lady who knows what she wants out of life. And how to live life and love life. To the fullest.

Derrick, 47

47-year-old male veteran, a very strong man. I speak my mind. Like a man. On the weekend, you can catch me grilling things and watching football. My name is Derrick but you can call me D-Man. And I gotta warn you: I’m a flirt because I am a Man! That’s a capital M. I know you see it.

Shawn, 48

Let me be up front: First date is at my house. Some of y’all females just want a free meal. I’m not falling for that. And notice I didn’t say “all females.” I said “some females.” That means not my mama, my sisters, my aunts, my cousins, or my daughter. Just the rest of you.

Clavell, 44

I’m looking for that one special women. An imperfect women who is perfect for me. A women with goals in her life. Chickenheads need not apply. I learned how to spot y’all by reading The Mack Within: The Holy Book of Game by Tariq Nasheed, my favorite author. He also wrote The Art of Mackin’, which is like my dating Bible. Taught me how to get with a top-notch women like yourself.

Terrence, 35

NO FEMINISTS. This one broad told me I don’t love women. I DO love women! Just not the loud, nappy-headed ones who hate men. She said I don’t love women, I just want to have sex with them. What’s the difference??? This is what I’m talking about. Feminists be on that bullshit. That’s why they ain’t got no man. If you are a real, classy lady with a relaxer who wants to be treated like a queen and don’t be on that bullshit, holla at ya boy.

Jeff, 40

I like fishing and hunting. That’s why I added these pics of me holding a 75 lb. bass and an AR-15. I’m shirtless and fishbelly white, and my moobs look like uncooked chicken cutlets, but I’m going to shoot my shot with a pretty lady like you because I’ve always wanted to taste some chocolate. *wink*

Anthony, 52

I’m looking for a drinking buddy, or at least a woman who won’t bitch about my drinking. That’s why I posted six pictures of me turning up a bottle of Jack. If you’re the jealous type, keep it moving. Jack was here before you, and he’ll be here for me long after you’re gone. I’m wearing sunglasses in all my pics because Malcolm X said eyes are the window to the soul, and I don’t know you like that to be looking into my soul.

John, 42

Hi! I’m divorced and ready to start the next chapter of my life. I’ve traveled the world and enjoy all cultures. I think it’s important to explore new places. And different cultures. Looking to meet someone open-minded who doesn’t mind getting her hair wet…I mean, letting her hair down. (Dear black women: In case it’s not obvious, I posted these 14 photos of me with my biracial children and with groups of white people drinking, skiing and camping to let you know that I’m not interested, without scaring away the white and Asian women in the process.)

Brian, 46

Here’s how it’s going to go down. I’m going to text you, Good morning beautiful! Every day. Sometimes to spice things up, I’ll also ask, WUD. And when you tell me about your plans, I’ll say, “Without me?” This will go on until you block me.

Chris, 32

What’s up? Just on here seeing what’s up. I want to take you out and get to know you. But when you ask me bothersome questions like, “When?” and “Where?” I’m not going to respond. In fact, I won’t answer any of your questions. Like, you’ll ask, “So what do you like to do for fun?” And three weeks later, I’ll reply with, “WUD.” Just to see what’s up.

Tavon, 99

I graduated from the School of Hard Knoccs, but you see how I spelled it different from all the other guys who graduated from there. Because I’m different. I’m creative. You don’t need to know where I work.