Mother: A Dictionary

I look at my reflection in the mirror and repeat a mantra: “I am not my mother. I am not my mother.”

Illustration by Alison Underwood

1. 媽 mā — mother. If you pronounce mother in a slightly different tone in Chinese, the word becomes 罵 mà, which means to scold or to curse. To me, they represent the same thing.

“Why don’t you like your mother?” my daughter piped up as my son slurped ramen next to her.

At five, she had noticed my harsh tone towards my mother during her Christmas visit. “Put your phone away, Mom,” I hissed at her, growing more annoyed each time she ignored my requests. She should be paying attention to her grandchildren, not texting or typing emails. I was tired of scolding her, of needing to scold her. I knew I was making The Face, a pained grimace that was one-part defiant-teen eye-roll and two-parts caged animal.

“It’s complicated, sweetie,” my husband answered for me in a nervous attempt to keep the peace.

I rolled my eyes at him and clenched my teeth. He still didn’t get it.

“Some things are just the way they are,” I tried to explain calmly. “They can’t change.” I had spent years engaged in a battle with my mother. She is a ravenous hyena circling her target before her feeding frenzy. I am the cowering prey, defenseless against…